When you’re single, do you ever find yourself missing being in a relationship? You miss being the other half of a “whole”. And in that season of singleness, you feel incomplete. Lonely. You feel like something’s missing in you, and in your life.
And what you think is missing, is another person. A significant other.
If that’s you, then know that you aren’t alone. Not in any sense of the word. Because there are so many people out there, just like you and me, who crave intimacy. Relationship. We crave love.
We were built for community. We were built for relationships. Relationships with others, and with God.
But filling that hole, where we feel like we aren’t “whole”, while we’re single… it’s complicated. Where we feel like we aren’t complete unless we have another person in our life to hold and to have to love… there’s more to it than simply finding another warm body to fill the space.
So from someone who has been there- married twice, divorced twice- here are some tips on how to find a healthy relationship. And advice on how to cope in the meantime.
We can learn about how a person is by how they are in relationship with us.
But I know for me personally, I don’t want to invest the time and energy it takes to be in a relationship with someone in order to get to know them.
I want to know them before the relationship. Before the investment of my heart.
Cue the “let’s be friends”- or even less than friends- BEFORE dating and jumping into relationship.
I completely agree that we were built for relationships. We as people are built for intimacy, connection, and to know and be known. That’s biblical.
In Genesis 2:18, we see God saying it’s not good for us to be alone.
“Then the LORD God said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him.”
In the past 14 years, I’ve only dated 3 guys. Two of whom I married, and yes later divorced. And since life is too short to make all the mistakes yourself, I’m willing to be vulnerable so that you can learn from mine.
I know in my most recent relationship, the man I was dating wanted intimacy badly. Intimacy not just in the sense of sex and physical intimacy, but he so badly wanted to be loved, known and accepted exactly as he was.
Don’t we all want that?
I know I do.
The problem in our relationship though, was that in order to be fully known, you have to be willing to tear down your walls. To let another person know you.
You see, so many of us desire intimacy. We want to be known. But being known fully comes with risk. The risk of being rejected. The risk of being hurt. We risk being judged and not liked. And yes, there’s a risk that love will be withdrawn, and the relationship will end.
But. The alternative is to live in darkness. Dishonesty. And lies. And so, in doing that, you’re only delaying the inevitable. Prolonging the pain.
To be known and loved fully as you are, means being honest and transparent with another person. Because if they don’t truly know you and your heart, the good, the bad, and the ugly… how can you know or expect them to love you?
If someone does not know you, they cannot fully love you. Relationships and intimacy require transparency.
In the case of this most recent relationship, the man I was with lied to me, cheated on me, and fed his addictions. All while craving intimacy and love.
He was unwilling to let his guard down. But the need was still there. The hole was still there. The need to be loved and fully known. But instead of doing what was required to fill that hole, and being honest and open, he tried filling it with substitutes for true intimacy.
He tried filling it with other people while with me. Cheating.
And he tried filling it with addictions. Substances that helped with his pain. And true, they felt good in the moment and numbed his pain, I’m sure. But when the substances left his system, he was still empty because he didn’t have that love.
Love requires openness, honesty, and transparency.
And… love requires more than a person.
Love requires God.
Something absolutely vital to point out here too, is that the intimacy we crave, the unconditional love we crave, as amazing as people are, they can’t fill it. The void we have in our hearts is ultimately one that only God can fill. As a Christian, I adamantly believe that.
I can attest to that in my own, current season of singleness- the longest I’ve been single in probably 17 years. And I’ve been single almost a year to the day.
But a person is not going to fill you, they’re not going to fill that emptiness inside you. Nor would several people for that matter. No matter how many.
A person is not going to fill you. Because a person was never meant to.
While Genesis 2:18 says, “’It is not good for the man to be alone” it also brings to light that even before Eve graced the scene, Adam had someone.
Adam had God. He was in relationship with God.
God is our source. He has to be. And in today’s day and age, that requires intentionality.
God is love.
1 John 4:16 says God is love, and all who live in love live in God, and God lives in them. God is love, and he who abides in love abides in God, and God in him. God is love, and he that dwelleth in love dwelleth in God, and God in him.
We were designed for a relationship with God. And the only thing that exists to truly heal us and make us complete and whole is Him.
Perhaps you’re longing for true intimacy. Just as I was for years and years. If so, I encourage you to find it in Jesus, and only Him.
God is our source. Our provider. Our Savior. He is our everything.
And if you’d like to know more about a relationship with God, comment below. I’d be happy to point you towards some resources that have personally helped me.
And may God bless you.